Nutburgers for Cheese-Us (view the original here)


A delicious mixture of religious nuts, loons, Herbs, narcissis-tics, and Sweet Cheese-us shaped into small minds, dipped in ignorance and crumby theology to fry sinners and serve the cold shoulder if you aren't in the group.

Makes 144,000 and not one more....

  • 1 closed mind, finely chopped
  • 1 human spirit, crushed
  • 1 tbsp  oily financial dealings
  • 1/4 cup all-purpose guilt and shame
  • 1/2 cup of badly connected and irrelevant events
  • 2 cups chopped mixed up Apostle nuts (including cashcows, demonds, Watcher and Current Evangelnuts).  Do not use Academia nuts...ever!   They tend to curdle the cerebellum
  • 1 cup fresh crumbs, taken from local councils of yes men
  • 150,000 sincere folks grated coarsely
  • 1 tbsp chopped fresh cerebrum
  • 1 tbsp dried end-thyme delusions
  •  Hundreds of  thoroughly grated, chopped and loosley packed scriptures
  • 1 tbsp lemon jewish
  • 1 tsp of out of context extract
  • 1 noggin, beaten severely
  • salt in all inflicted wounds
  • oil for deep-frying of the opposition until you are special
  • mixed messages galore, and serve with extra Cheese-us as needed

1. Fry the membership in loosely cobbled scriptures often until soft. If you go too long it will numb them and they can't be molded as well. Stir in the wild speculations and cook for 1 - 2 hours in sermons every week. Add the guilt or shame gradually and bring to a boil. 
2. Remove from the heat just prior to any emotional explosion and stir in the nuts, self appointed ministry, loons, in house booklets, narsisstics, Herbs, Daves, Gerry's, Rods, Bobs and lemon juice for pucker, extracted brains and seasoning. Leave until cold, heartbroken, limp, numb and confused. 
3. Divide the mixture into 300 true mixtures and roll into odd-sized balls, 
4. If this is the original recipe, dip each piece first in beaten brains and then coat in sugar and Cheese-us Whiz..
5. Place on a well greased slide and bake in a preheated oven at 350F for about 10 years, or until lightly numb and crisp. On alternative Sabbaths or Sundays, deep-fry in oil heated to 350F for 1-2 hours until incapable of independent thought and golden brown. The oil is at the correct temperature for deep-frying when the faithful are numb, catatonic, frightened, depressed, anxious and broke and wanting to know what more they can do for the Resident Fry-Daddy. 
6. Drain the crumpled and odd shaped masses on paper towels, then, when cold, numb and unable to respond or think logically, arrange on a bed of salad greens. Cover with plastic wrap or foil until ready to serve you again next Sabbath or Sunday, depending. 

Variation: These nutcases can be made into miniature congregations if preferred, and they make excellent reasons for not going to church and giving up on the idea that humans can ever grow up and thing for themselves.

My Notes:

I've never tried this with the normal people . Guilt, fear and shame driven people work well.

Instead of fresh ideas, I used dried instead.

Since I've never found open minds,  freedom of thought or well educated and honest theologians in Nutburgers, so I've left it out.

Nutburgers always want to bake YOU in the oven for eternity at 4000 degrees.  They are absolutely entertaining and I have chuckled at these types many times over. Great for quick snacks.